Summertime Sadness

Summer for most people is something to look forward to. 

Not so much in our house...

In the summer, half of our family leaves. 

The big kids go visit their dad for the entire summer. 

Leaving us with one week in the beginning (right after school ends) and about 1.5 weeks before school starts. 

I start getting anxiety every time May hits. I know the time will fly by and soon I'l be saying goodbye to my babies for eight long weeks. I hate it. I hate every second of it. There's no getting around that. 

People often say "I couldn't do that" or "Wow, I can't imagine handing my kids over for that long" or "I wouldn't let my kids go".

The thing is, I don't have a choice. I will literally get arrested and our parenting plan will be revered if I do not comply.

To be honest, I'm not sure how much choice I should have at this point. Of course I want them with me all the time. It is absolutely heartbreaking to have to be without them for so long. I get depressed, I mope around, and it's a generally very hard time around here. 

But. 

Their dad needs to see them too. Sure, we've had our differences, we've had some major issues, we've butted heads over and over. But when it comes down to it, IF he is keeping them safe and being responsible, I have no right to be upset.

I'm trying to soothe myself through this. I hope they'll have fun, I hope they have a blast actually, and I want them to connect with their father.

There is resentment at this time, though. I get upset that I don't get much "fun" time with them. I do the hard work of the school year - getting to school, therapy appointments, sports, music, etc, etc -without much down time, and when the relaxing season comes, I have to say goodbye. 

I wish I could relax and take them to the beach over and over. 

I wish we could ride our bikes everywhere together. 

I wish we could hit the pool and the lake. 

I wish we could hike and cuddle and color and travel and do all the things everyone gets to do with their kids in the summer. 

Romy and Linc have a hard time with it as well. They wander around the house asking "Where Brody? Where Zachy? Where Bubba? Where Maddie"?

All summer, they ask where the big kids are. 

So we try to cram all of our summer fun into one week. Which doesn't work, but we try. We hit the beach, we went to Great Wolf Lodge, we visited grandparents. 

I hope this summer passes quickly. I'm going to miss them so much.