The Truth

Me, at 19 years old. Wedding day. 

The truth is I've messed up. 

A lot. 

Over and over and over. 

I'm human. 

But I am also worth it. 

I was beaten down, and more than just emotionally. 

I was made to feel like I wasn't worth it, like I had to accept what I got because I wasn't worth anything better. I wasn't allowed to be my own person, I wasn't able to cut my hair or dress a certain way. I had to accept infidelity. 

And I accepted this because I messed up.

I got pregnant young, I knew I shouldn't have married, I kept going through the motions of life without ever living. 

Then I realized what I had denied even to myself for so many years: My life was a lie. 

I wasn't happy, the kids weren't happy like I wanted them to be. 

I was stuck in the world of pretending everything was perfect and competing with those around me due to my extreme unhappiness and insecurity. 

So I freaked out. 

I FREAKED out. 

I did somethings I shouldn't have done. 

I made some bad decisions. 

But I knew what I needed to do. 

Save myself from the dismal life before me. 

One of the most painful parts of the divorce was all of the involvement from people I had previously considered friends. I had been betrayed by so many I had wanted to lean on. Some would pretend to be my friend for the sole purpose of gathering gossip.

Not using my better judgment, I ended up devising a system to figure out who was talking with whom. I purposefully put out false information and watched it spread like wildfire.

 It showed me just how many people no longer cared about me and the intense, heart wrenching, life altering pain I was going through, but rather cared about the story they could tell. 

Years later, I am still recovering from this betrayal. 

Part of me believed that I was at fault here. Part of me believed that I was to blame for breaking up my family. Why didn't I just suck it up and stick it out for my kids' sake? So they could be happy and have their family together. 

And the truth is, I was to blame. I was partially responsible for the mess we were in. 

You live and learn. 

I've realized that I needed to make myself happy to make them happy. They needed a happy and whole mother to love them. They needed an example of a healthy marriage. They needed me to be better than I was. 

So here I am telling you that I have made mistakes, but that doesn't mean I need to accept unhappiness. I've made mistakes, but that doesn't define who I am. I've made mistakes, but I deserve unconditional love. I've made mistakes, but I have become a better person because of them. 

If you are suffering in a similar situation, you need to realize you are worth it. 

You've done the best you can at that moment in your life AND you can do better. 

Some of the best decisions can come from regrettable moments.